Upgrade: I'd help, but my batteries are runnin' low." [Shows Stahldrache his fuel read-out] Without some more energon in my fuel cell, I can barely LIFT these things, Transmetal II or no.
Off-camera female voice [director]: Upgrade, we have to stop you THERE; we have the shadow of the boom mike in the shot.
Upgrade: SHADOW? You're kiddin' me! [Starts looking around] Who turned on SHADOWS?! Since when do we have shadows?
Stahldrache: [Looking at his shadow under his feet] Well, I'll be damned!
Director: Okay, got it...
[Darkwave does a slow reaction to Elita One's entrance, and puts up his wing to cover Optimus's face.]
[There is a long pause.]
Darkwave: Psst! [Pause] Optimus, your cue!
[Darkwave drops his wing and looks at Optimus, who is currently sleeping.]
Darkwave: Geez, Optimus... [Shakes him a little] Wake up!
[Optimus makes a few monkey noises... starts awake, scratches under his arm.]
Optimus: Ooo... ooo... Huh? Wha? Oh! Movie!! Sorry.
Starfire: [shoving back on Stormcrow] Hold on a cycle! We can't go about this half-cocked!
[Stormcrow raises his gun to respond, when there is an off-camera guffaw from Thundercat.]
Starfire: What?
Thundercat: Huh, huh... you said "cock."
[Take Two]
Starfire: [shoving back on Stormcrow] Hold on a cycle! We can't go about this half-cocked!
[Stormcrow raises his gun, and cocks it.]
Stormcrow: There. Now it's fully cocked.
[Thundercat cracks up laughing again.]
Stormcrow/Starfire: WHAT?!
Thundercat: You... huh, huh.. said FULL, then you said COCK.
Stormcrow: Does he need a BREAK?
Optimus: [pointing his finger at Darkwave] I've had ENOUGH of this secrecy!
[Darkwave comically puts his finger in the hole at the end of Optimus's finger.]
Optimus: And CUT that—whoa! [As he jerks back his hand, Darkwave loses his balance and falls into him]
Darkwave: [yanks on his finger] Um... I think I'm stuck.
[Angel enters the room, where Medusa is "helping" Megatron with his bath.]
Megatron: NO, thank you. I said I wasn't—
Director: Umm...can we take that AGAIN, here... Angel, we need to see more hip in that walk.
Angel: Hang on a minute. So... I'm supposed to be ATTRACTED to him, here?
Director: Er, that's kinda the idea behind the scene, yeah.
Angel: But... but... [makes a "limp wrist" gesture]
Director: Right, but you don't know that.
Angel: Wait, what, am I BLIND? Because...I read that script, and I don't SEE anything about me being BLIND...
Megatron: Please. That is a HIGHLY unfounded rumor.
Medusa: Oh, YES, my QUEEN...
Megatron: Err...cut that out!
[Tarantulas kisses Stalker rather disgustingly and passionately.]
Director: And...print! Okay, that's one for the negatives. Moving on to—
Tarantulas: I want another take.
Director: Nope, we got the last angle, we're good on that.
Tarantulas: I said I want another take. I can do better.
Director: We don't need...
Tarantulas: I GET another TAKE... [holding up his fingers in the form of "horns"] or I'm CALLING my agent.
Director: Right, right! So...take twelve on that. Reset the cameras...
Tarantulas: [to Stalker, sotto voce] You know, if you want to see what my trailer actually LOOKS like, we can...er...rehearse for TOMORROW's shoot...
[Stalker blinks at him and looks away shyly.]
Director: Tarantulas, we're still ROLLING on you.
Tarantulas: Really? D'h—er...ahhh... I didn't say that.
[Back to the finger-caught scene, where Optimus has his leg braced on Darkwave's knee, and Darkwave has his hand around Optimus's upper arm.]
Darkwave: Okay, on the count of THREE, we pull. Ready? One... two... [He trips.] Hey, I said count of three!
Optimus: Is that...AFTER three, or ON three?
[Completely out-of-continuity scene where Stahldrache is talking with himself via the head of Maximal Magnaboss.]
Stahldrache: Why, HELLO, Maximal Magnaboss, how are YOU today?!
"Magnaboss" through puppetry: Very good, Subcommander Stahldrache; how are you?!
Stahldrache: I'm just FINE, Magnaboss...
Upgrade: [slightly off-screen] It's true...I really AM the only sane one.
Blackout: [holding the end of Sellsword's broken blade over a downed Maximal guard] Ah, and now is the winter of our discontent... Fie, fie, CONTEMPTABLE, for parting is SUCH sweet sorrow, and I regret that I have but ONE life to give... Oh, happy dagger, for in this noble breast...
Director: Blackout, no ad-libbing!
[Guard from ground golf-claps the speech.]
[Armageddon pulls out his gun... It has a label on it reading "Property of Thundercat."]
Armageddon: THUNDERCAT!
[Scanner pulls out the Daughter of Tarantulas limb, preparing to re-attach it to the DoT Green prisoner... It has a label on it reading "Property of Thundercat."]
Scanner: THUNDERCAT!!
[Sellsword draws his weapon, preparing to attack a Maximal guard... It has a label on it reading "Property of Thundercat."]
Sellsword: THUNDERCAT, QUIT THIS SLAG BEFORE WE SHOVE THE LABEL-MAKER UP YOUR—
Director: Whoa, whoa... Hey, can we... take that from the top, there?
[Back to the Super-classes with the big fingers. There are now two stage-hands attempting to apply oil from a WD-40 can into the hole in Optimus's finger.]
[The chapel in the church of Primus, where Optimus is reading the inscription on the lid of the coffinbox.]
Optimus: Tarantulas. It...has to be. It doesn't FEEL like him, but it— [belches suddenly and loudly] Whoa! Umm... Sorry, Coke.
[Lightbreeze cracks up and can't stop laughing.]
Director: Oh, wait, we LOST the priestess.
[Take Two]
Optimus: Tarantulas. It...has to be. It doesn't FEEL like him, but...
[Thundercat looks at Optimus and cracks up laughing.]
Optimus: What?
Thundercat: Heh...you said "Feel Tarantulas."
[Optimus gives Thundercat the back of his hand.]
[Take Three]
Optimus: Tarantulas. It...has to be. It doesn't FEEL like him, but... [looks around] Don't we have Rhinox in this scene?
[Camera swings around to Rhinox, standing off-set and yelling at an assisstant]
Rhinox: [Mr. T] And don't you MESS with Rhinox's donuts. I PITY the fool, messes with Rhinox's donuts. You hearin' me, fool? I said... Uh... [looks up] Hey, I ain't got TIME for this jibba jabba, Rhinox is supposed to be on-camera. Ummm... [walking onto the set] Ahem. [Resuming "normal" voice] You're right, Optimus.
[Take Four]
Optimus: Tarantulas. It…has to be. It doesn't FEEL like—
[Blackarachnia, lying in the coffin, cracks up laughing.]
Director: Geez...
Blackarachnia: [sitting up] Silverbolt's feathers are TICKLING me!
Silverbolt: [from the box] Sorry...
Blackarachnia: You're doing it on PURPOSE! Now lie there like a GOOD puppy, because you're SUPPOSED to be DEAD!
Director: Again...
[Take Five]
Optimus: Tarantulas. It...has to be. It doesn't FEEL—
[Rattrap, crying into the coffinbox, cracks up laughing.]
Optimus: What?!
Rattrap: [laugh] It's... [hee hee]
Director: Right, can we have LESS ACTION from the dead bodies in this shot?
Silverbolt: Okay, THAT time I did it on purpose.
[Take Six]
Optimus: Tarantulas. It...has to be. It doesn't FEEL like him, but it...
[Lightbreeze is examining Optimus's copy of the Covenant.]
Rhinox: ...You're right. They... must have rushed in—
[Lightbreeze suddenly starts laughing.]
Optimus: What NOW!?
[Lightbreeze holds up the book to an open page, and shows him the sticker that reads "Property of Thundercat."]
Optimus: Slaggit!
[Take Seven]
Optimus: Tarantulas. It...has to be. It doesn't FEEL like him, but it...
Rhinox: ...You're right. They... must... [laughing] Oh... uhh... line?
Optimus: That's IT! I have had ENOUGH! I don't have to TAKE this abuse! I was on "Dark Angel!" [stomps off]
[Awkward pause]
Director: Okay...ummm...everyone take five?
[GuardianWing drives his claws through the eyes of the Transmetal II Hypnotist.]
Hypnotist: AHHHHH!!! Ow!! STUNT DOUBLE! STUNT DOUBLE!!
GuardianWing: Oh...I wasn't supposed to really DO that, was I?
[The Super classes are still entangled; now sitting both on the ground. Two crew members are standing by, and another Normal-class has a wielding torch. Optimus is covering his eyes as if he can't bear to watch.]
Tarantulas: We have to go. Quickly! ... That is... ehhh... [Starts approaching Stalker slowly... closer...]
Director: Cut, cut! You missed your cue; you're supposed to go to beast mode there. Can we take that again?
Tarantulas: Ahhh, but don't I get to... ehhhh... [makes "squeeze squeeze" motion with his hands]
Director: Ummm... No, your life is in danger; there's no "love scene" in the movie.
Tarantulas: Well, I demand a re-write!
Director: You're NOT going to pull that one AGAIN.
Rattrap: [off-camera] If I don't get a love scene, you don't get a love scene, web-head!
Tarantulas: At least I'm not hugging a TREE.
Rattrap: Cheap shot!
Director: Boys, boys...can we just take that from "We have to go..."?
[Verbal show-down in the White Hall]
Optimus: You have CRIMES against the Maximals that you have to... ummm...
Stahldrache: Answer for, maybe?
Optimus: ANSWER for! THANK you!
[Swiftsting is standing in front of Mindrazor, in the Unicronian circle.]
Swiftsting: YOU. I will kill you a hundred times for what you have done.
[Mindrazor points at him.]
Swiftsting: [Pause] I... will... I... don't know my next line...
Director: Drop to the ground, clutching your head, screaming.
Swiftsting: Wait, why does that happen?
Mindrazor: [talking aloud, with a voice like Fran Drescher] Telepathy! Moind-woipe, glowing effects! Ya know—stuff they add in latah!
Swiftsting: Oh. Oh, right, with the spooky... Okay, I got it, there. [laughs and gives Mindrazor a brief hug, then, to director] Can we do that one again?
[Pan shot during the messy mass combat in the White Hall: Optimus is smashing a Green Assassin; Stormcrow and Mindrazor are furiously exchanging blows.]
[Starfire seems to be chatting with two currently non-engaged Greens.]
Starfire: Sooo...you girls doin' anything after the shoot? ...You're sisters, right? Green daughters do EVERYTHING together?
[Greens giggle.]
Cheetor: [during a rant] And COMMANDER Darkwave has been busy RUINING my life, and I like pie!! ...I need to do that again.
[Outside the Maximal council hall, where people are re-entering the building. Scanner is speaking with Darkwave.]
Scanner: Our Ladyship is coming tomorrow morning, and she wants you and Optimus Primal to attend. She'll meet with you at the Matrix complex...
Director: Cut! Okay, can we get Terrorsaur out of the shot here, please?
Terrorsaur: [stepping to the front and speaking up from the roving crowd in the background] WHAT? I can't get a REAL part in this film, you OWE it to me to let me be an extra!!
Director: But you're dead...you died years ago... Reset the extras, please?
Terrorsaur: You brought TARANTULAS back to life!! Why wasn't I chosen?!
Director: Interest. We can only do so much.
Edge: [speaking up from the background crowd] Am I in the movie?
Director: NO.
[The wielding torch finally comes down, and Optimus finally pulls his hand away from Darkwave's.]
Crew: Hooray!
Darkwave: I'll be more careful next time I try that.
Miriam: [pulls out her sword to attack Tusk] Ah-ha! Owww! [shakes out her loose hand] I think I CUT myself! ...Why do these have to be sharp? [holds the sword with two fingers and her thumb, by the pommel] I just keep STICKING myself! Can't we get a stunt-hand to do this part, or something?
Daybreak: [To Darkwave] Who ARE you?
Darkwave: I'm... Batman. [laugh] Okay, sorry, I couldn't help that.
Rattrap: Ah! [makes a "pay-up" gesture at Rhinox, and Rhinox slaps a few credits in his hand] Told you he'd say it!!
[Tarantulas and Stalker stand over the decidedly dead Splitarachnus.]
Tarantulas: [Heh...] And now that THAT's settled... [Moves in closer to Stalker.]
Director: Cut! Err... Cut.
Tarantulas: [laugh] What's the matter; haven't you read the script lately?
Director: ... [pause] What the hell?! ...There's a love scene. How did you DO that?
Tarantulas: [loud cackle] Connections.
Director: This is entirely disturbing. I hate you.
Tarantulas: You can if you want. [to the cameraman] Roll it again.
Director: This won't save you from dying in the last act.
Tarantulas: But I'll enjoy the part while it lasts! [Hee hee]
Shockwave: But now, can you be sure you're really seeing what you think you see? What is the last you remember?
[pause]
Stahldrache: I'd take you seriously at this point, but Laserbeak just left a goodie on your gun-arm.
Shockwave: I know, and I've been trying to ignore it. Can we have the wrangler, please...?