What follows are a few of the notes I recieved in my in-box over Christmas time. Just plain inane, just plain kooky, all in good fun. I threatened that perhaps I should cut these guys off for a while...
The content of these mails is totally unedited, so all I can say is: enjoy!
—AF
[Billy Bob] HOWDY Y'ALL!! [/Billy Bob]
Hehehehe. Couldn't help myself. Just wanted to wish everyone in the game a Merry Christmas. =) Oh, and so does Terrorpin! *Holds up a sock puppet resembling his IC self*
*Poor voice acting of how he'd think the turtle sounds* Hidey ho, I'm Terrorpin the Christmas Pred! And this is my buddy Charmacon!
*Pulls up a Charmacon puppet*
Charmacon: What the Hell? *Looks up at Danny* You're not even my player! Get los-s-st!
Me: Shut up, you *long string of censored bad words*
Random Guy: Can he say that??
Terrorpin: Say what? *Repeats the long, dirty string of words* That?
Random guy: *Passes out*
Me: *Cough* Anyway...
Terrorpin: I gots me an idea!!
Charmacon: Primus-s-s-s help us-s-s all... he thunk..
Me: Thunk is a word?
Charmacon: *The puppet tries to shrug* Drunk is-s-s a word.
Me and Terrorpin: Ahhhhhhhhh......
Terrorpin: Anyway, we need to sing Christmas carols!!
Charmacon: No... we need to s-s-s-stuff Terrorpin full of moldy fruitcake.
Terrorpin: Mmmmmmmm.... fruitcake...
Me: I don't want my hand poisoned!
Terrorpin: Hey, I'm not your hand! I'm you!
Me: No, you're a character I play with all those nice people out there. *Points*
Charmacon: AHHH!!! We're being watched!!!
Terrorpin: It's Big Brother!! The MIB!! The US Postal Service!!!
Me: ...The US Postal Service?
Terrorpin: What? You mean to tell me that you'd drive around in one of those dorky trucks all day long and never look at the mail?? They're watching us!
Charmacon: Moron... thos-s-se things-s-s are s-s-sealed....
Terrorpin: They gots special technology to unseal and reseal it! The USPA IS a government thing, remember?
Charmacon: My player is Dutch. How should I know??
Terrorpin: uh...... anyway....
Aspis: Howdy doody!!
Terrorpin: WAZZZZZAAAAAAAPPPP!!!!!
Aspis: WAAAZZZZAAAAAAAAPPPPP!!!!!!
Charmacon: WAAS-S-S-S-S-SUUUPPP!!!!
Aspis: *Looks at Charmacon* Loser.
Terrorpin: Dude... Where'd that Aspis puppet come from?
Me: That puppet is soooo not on my foot. *Holds up both feet to prove it*
Charmacon: *Faints from the stench*.....
Terrorpin: Geez, smells like Barry... but worse...
Barry: *From wherever he is* I heard that!
Me: ...eeep..
Aspis: How y'all doin'?
Terrorpin: Peachy.
Charmacon: Gonna be great when this-s-s moron dies-s-s...
Terrorpin: Hey, I ain't gonna die!
Charmacon: *Starts singing "Kenny's Dead" replacing Kenny's name with Terrorpin*
Terrorpin: Grrr...
Aspis: Hehehehe... hohohoho....
Me: Oh my God! Aspis is Santa!
Aspis: Actually...
Santa Claus: You're right.
*Collective gasp*
Terrorpin: Dude... that's freaky...Does that means Karl's Santa too?
Santa: Nooo... that's Satan. Got your letters mixed up.
All: Ahhhh....
Me: Santa, can I have my presents now?? Pleeeeaaasse..?????
Santa: *Checks his list* Nope.
Me: ;_; Why???!!!
Santa: You're not on my Nice list.
Me: Does that mean I'm on the naughty list?
Charmacon: No s-s-shit, S-s-sherlock.
Me: Can I see?
Santa: *Sigh* Go ahead.
Me: *Looks* Hey, I'm not on here either!
Santa: Huh?
Me: I'm serious! See? I should be right here in between my 2 brothers' names, and right beside my Dad! But I'm not!
Random Elf: Sir?
Santa: Yes?
Random Elf: He's on the... 'special' list. *Is referring to the "Give them everything they want or they'll hunt you down and kill you" list*
Santa: THAT list, huh? *Looks pale*
Random Elf: *Nods and gets the Hell outta there*
Santa: You traitorous little treasure troll! Wait for me!!! *Waddles really fast after the elf*
Me: Hey!! I want my presents!! Get back here!!!! *Gets out K.C.*
K.C.: Danny... What the Hell are you doing?
Me: I'm gonna use you as a weapon! C'mere!
K.C.: No! Use Amanda or somebody!
Me: Hell no! That'd get me maaaajor RPG pointage taken off. Besides, I'm your best bud. You'll forgive me... someday. *Clocks him* There! Now on to business!! *Chases after the fat deadbeat*
Terrorpin: Due to technical difficulties, my Christmas carolling has been halted. =( But Danny left a little parody of a parody for you to enjoy, so here ya go!!!
"The Night Galvatron Went Crazy"
Original by Weird Al Yankovic
Transformers adaptation by Danny "Bob" Wells
Down on the Char base, all the cons were playing cards
on some rusty old pipes and some useless spare parts
When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death
Had a cannon on his arm, and energon on his breath
From his crown to his boots, his was colored in purple
Like a big ugly pile of psychotic grape jello
And he laughed as he said, with an evil glint in his eye
"You lazy pathetic fools! Die! Die! DIE!!!!"
The night Galvatron went crazy
The night Screamin' Mimi went nuts
Now ya can't hardly walk around on Char
Without steppin' in Sweep drone guts.
Well the Char base is gone now, he decided to blast it
Everywhere you'll find old pieces of Ironhide and Ratchet
And he tied up the Terrorcons and held the sweeps hostage
Then he ground up poor Scourge into energon sausage!
He got Dead End and Vortex with an old Earth B-movie
And he bashed up Motormaster like a GMC Jimmy
And he roasted up Tantrum and said "Mmmm, beefy!"
The night Galvatron went crazy
The night the big Con cheese went insane
Nearly drowned in a plasma pool
That crap must've really fried his brain
There's Optimus Prime and the Autobots
There's a spy from the Quintessons
And Sky Lynx circling round in the sky
And the lasers are flyin'
and both sides are dying
and Cyclonus wants to know why.
My my my my my my...
He used to be such a evil guy
Yes now Grimlock, Galvie's doing time
In a special Quint prison for being such a slime
Hey now big guy, have no fear
He'll escape and you can kill him next year!
But now Breakdown's in therapy
And Headstrong's still nervous
And the Predacons all got jobs workin' for the postal service
And they say Cyclonus is on the comlink every night
With a Quintesson discussing the movie rights
They're talkin' bout
The night Galvatron went crazy
The night Ol' Lavender flipped
Crashed into a pool of plasma
Bet it really fried his logic chips
The night Galvatron went crazy
The night the Decepticon head hancho went insane
Nearly drowned in a plasma pool
Seems like that crap really fried his brain
Oh, The night Galvatron went crazy
The night the Con big cheese went insane
Nearly drowned in a plasma pool
Seems like that crap really fried his brain
Tell ya that crap...
Really fried his brain.
*Danny appears, kinda singed and tired-looking, grinning maniacally and with a big bag of presents over his shoulder* And don't ever underestimate the power of a Transfan on a sugar high again, you fat old--
Oh, Hi! ^_^' Sorry bout that. *Cough*
Anyway, I hope this random chunk of my insanity tickled your funny bones and brightened your holidays. To those of you whose characters or actual personas were mentioned...
PLEASE DON'T BEAT ME UP!!! I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN I SWEAR!!!
...At least not this year... *Cough*
Eheh.. Right... Anyway, Merry Christmas and PEACE!!!!!
-Danny aka Terrorpin aka that weird guy over there in the corner with the junk food
::pan away from a burning fireplace while lilting Christmas music plays. Krunch can be seen sitting in an easy chair, wearing a Santa Hat.::
"Happy Holidays, all you Slack-Jawed Skid Plates! This is your old Dino-pal, Sargeant Krunch coming at you with some heart-felt Christmas Cheer!"
"You know, I spend most of my time slagging Stupid 'Cons, or whipping skid-plates into shape! But once a stellar cycle, I like to think about my fellow Transformers!"
"This holiday season, I let slackers pass without getting in their face! And while you're at it, how about passing the Wheel-Jack Daniels over here, will you? Thank you, thank you very much!"
::glug,glug, glug, glug::
"Ahh, I think you know what I mean! This is also a time of helping your fellow bot! And now that you mention it, give old Krunch another helping of that Energon-Rum cake! Thank you, thank you very much!"
::chomp, chew, chomp, chomp, swallow::
"Ahh, I think you know what I mean! Yes, Christmas is a time when you can reflect on tradition... its like a slice of life! And come to think of it, I'll have another slice of that Nut & Bolt pie, and pour a little mushroom gravy on top of it! Thank you, thank you very much!"
::slobber, chew, chomp::
"Ahh, I think you know what I mean! You know, they say that Primus made us in his own image! Well, if he made me, then Primus must be one huge cuss! HA-HA! So, in closing, when you're stringing popcorn for your Christmas Tree, be sure you make an extra bowl for your old Dino-pal Krunch! And when you're feeling the presence of the Christmas spirit, make sure one of those presents has my name on it! You know what I mean? I think you do! Thank you, thank you very much!"
::chomp, chew, slurp, guzzle::
::pan back to the fireplace, as the music gets loud enough to hide the eating noises::
--John Aitken
Cue Barricade out in a blizzard trying to take down the Christmas lights with Guy directing him.
Myself: *Notices everyone watching* Oh, there you all are! C'mon, you didn't think i'd give my holiday greetings to you all, did ya? Hey Barricade, there's some people here you should say hi to!
Barricade: I'd love to, but you stuck me pulling down your house lights in this blizzard! What kind of crazy weather is this? First you have melting snow yesterday, now this.
Myself: Hey, I don't control the weather now, do I? Call Tigerhawk if you want that done. It wouldn't be our good ol' Canadian winters if it weren't like this. Anyway, it's the LPS crew. You might want to say Merry Christmas before they get really impatient. *Glances nervously at everyone*.
Barricade: WHAT!!!! Why didn't you tell me soo.....*starts wobbling*. Uh oh........ *crashes into a heap on the driveway*. Oooooowwwww.............
Myself: *Snickers* You look like an orange version of my Christmas tree.
*In walks Barricade, tangled in the lights and snow*
Barricade: Hey everyone. Hope you're having a good Christmas *whispers, as Guy tries to pull the lights off him* and not stuck doing post-Christmas chores.
Myself: I heard that. It's not my fault you agreed to do this, with you being all nice and helpful. And it's not my fault you forgot to use your flight jets or telekinetic abilities to do the job for you. *Cue anime-style sweat drops on both of them*. You did remember, didn't you?
Barricade: Never mind! Come on, i'm getting cold out here. Let's get some eggnog. *stumbles back into the house*.
Myself: Well, anyway, i'd just like to say Merry Christmas and a happy new year to all of you. Now if you'll excuse me, my refridgerator needs saving *runs back inside*.
--Guy Duke
[Paradox]
Merry Christmas Christmas Christmas! Time for the annual Predacon Christmas
Bush bush bush burning! Paradox openes his present, it's a flight simluator.
Paradox is so overwelmed with emotion he starts crying. Stormclaw knocks him
out with his fist.
[Viracide]
Looks around and gives himslf a gift, Peanut butter, so he can make a peanut
butter and jellyfish sandwich. *Rimshot*
[Rapid Run]
"Dude, I'm going to pretend you didn't say that..."
--Barry Burnett
K.C.: In the spirit of Christmas, I present to you... Uhm... Holiday Stuff, with K.C. and Klaw-hammer. And Danny... *Wicked grin*
Danny: What'd you say?
K.C.: Quiet, monkey... *gags him for later use*
Danny: Mmf!
K.C.: And now... the uhm... Stuff...
*Bows out. Curtains open to scene of tranquility. An overstuffed easy chair sits in front of the fire*
Klaw-hammer: *Enters and sits. Dressed in a smoking jacket and a pipe* Hello there, kiddies. I'm the evil Predacon Klaw-hammer, as seen in the "Land of the Poisoned Skies" Beast Wars online RPG. You may think of me as having no brain-
Danny: *Gets loose* And you'd be right!
Klaw-hammer: Why you little good-for-nothin'... C'mere! *Klaw-hammer and Danny begin to go at it*
K.C.: *Rushes over and takes Klaw-hammer's place in the chair* I know present, the Beast Wars "Night Before Christmas."
K.C.: *As Narrator*
'Twas the night before Christmas, And all through
the ship.
Rattrap was scurrying, to check a radar blip.
He found the console and took a quick peek.
He saw a small vessel, found out by heat-seek.
Rhinox was snoozing, all snug in his bed.
Dreams of energon candy danced in his head.
And Cheetor was napping, like all cats do.
He had taken up residence in bed #2.
When out on the ship's hull, there arose such a
clatter!
Prime Maximized quickly, to deal with the matter!
Rattrap cowered inside, like the rat that he was.
"I ain't going out there, cuz."
The Moon up above hung low in the sky.
Prime's targets were locked, ready for missiles to
fly.
When what a surprise appeared in his view.
A little old man flying with reindeer, but who?
"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
Up on the..." Santa's statement, it fell.
That thing he was flying towards... "What in the
Hell?"
Prime readied his gun and raised it up high.
"Who are you, by Primus! And how do you fly?
Don't come any closer, I'm warning you!"
Prime shouldn't have worried, Santa was screwed.
"Wait, please, don't shoot! I mean you no harm!"
Santa landed his sled, and raised up his arms.
"I come bearing gifts, for good girls and boys.
Perhaps the giant robot would like some toys?"
Prime wandered over towards the sack.
"What technology is this? You fly with no power pack."
"Why it's magic, dear robot, can't you tell?
Although, I must say, I'm not feeling well."
"Seeing something like you on my first night.
I must say, you big lug, you gave me a fright."
"Pardon, I didn't want to take hostile action.
I just needed to determine your enemy faction."
"I'll be taking those toys, and that sled, Prime!"
That voice, it made Prime turn around just in time.
"Megatron! You can't, these toys are for kids!"
"Well, my dear Prime, I don't give a shit!"
Megatron stole the sled and the toys.
Prime took off after him, looking for ploys
that could be used to dissuade the foul villian.
And the only word that could come close to rhyming is
melon!
*Suddenly, Klaw-hammer and Danny roll over and crush K.C. and his chair*
Danny: Bah! Rampage rip-off!
Klaw-hammer: You sack of flesh! I'll kill you for that!
K.C.: Agh! My story!
*The fight continues, now with three members. As they brawl, the camera slowly backs away, Christmas music playing in the background. The curtains drop*
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD... Uhm... DAY!
--K.C. Styers