Supernaturals

These people totally crack me up. I hit this planet that wasn't even Earth. Well, I mean, it looked a Pit of a lot like Earth, but it definitely didn't fit the overall bill. First of all, I think I would have noticed a few Autobots running around. Call me crazy; call me irreverent, but I think that just maybe Optimus Prime fighting Megatron would have been kinda hard to miss...know what I'm saying?

So the place looks like 20th-century Earth, but the people are whacked off their circuits. A good deal of 'em are normal, regular Human folk. But that isn't the kind I keep running in to, right? Because every once in a while, I take a good look at one, and they're completely messed up. Like I was prowling the streets, robot in disguise, minding my own business, and this homeless guy gives me a look like he's doing an infrared scan with his nose. I give a quick scan, and the guy's warmer than usual, has some kind of spark-type waxy buildup; I don't know. But before I knew it, I was being interrogated by a den of "werewolves." Can you believe it? I find the one and only planet Earth where the Humans finally figured out how to transform. Took 'em slaggin' long enough. And on the other side of town, people aren't giving off any heat at all. Vampires, sucking blood like spider-Preds with personal problems.

Not to mention, you've got your magic-users...couple of people figured out how to turn into cats, I hear (way to go, Humans, just stay outta my neighborhood)...The Mummy Walks...people ramble about ghosts in graveyards...and my personal favorite nightmare, fairies. Fragging fairies!

And that's not the part that cracks me up. The part that cracks me up is this: they're all so "ancient." It's hysterical! Before I got kicked out, I overheard the buzz at a vampire lodging. Get this: a couple of thousand years ago, some Human loser named Caine got this curse put on him, and now a bunch of Humans have to be undead Vampires and suck blood. So the long and short is that you have Human beings whose hearts don't beat who formed a pity club and sit around complaining about how they have to be a couple of hundred years old.

A COUPLE HUNDRED! At the MOST!

I'll give you time to laugh at that one before I join up with you... Sure, we might not be that old, and, heck, I'm sure not that old, but I don't think if I were I would be busy sitting around crying in my oil about it. Like the world's going to end just because you're two-thousand years old?

By the time I'd heard the Rest of the Backstory, I was laughing so hard it was only a matter of nanoclicks before my skidplate was in the fire. But I told 'em, I did. They don't take too kindly to visitors, but I let 'em know what we were all about, taught 'em a thing or twelve. Dear Vampires, let's start with the Autobot race, shall we? Let's even start with Optimus Prime. Sure, he was the best Autobot, but he wasn't even the only Autobot to live past his 10-millionth birthday. Hello...vampires? Alpha Trion is ancient. Don't even come calling to me with this tear-jerky story about Caine and the Human race. 'Cause, you know, when it comes down to it, the only reason you people are even here is interference against our code. Because we had this thing called the Beast Wars and while you were still learning how to pick mites out of each other's back hair, we came down in our great big flying saucers and taught you how to use tools. At least on the Earth I know, Humans owe a lot more to the Maximals than to their own ingenuity. And the only reason you people even have a rock to stand on is the snicker slagging Vok.

Vamps didn't think that was so gear, but they have some kind of code that says you aren't allowed to bother upstarts within a mile of some place or another...whatever. So I got outta there when I did, laughing all the way.

Ran into a little hitch later on. Tell you one thing, they may have more angst than you can keep a straight face at, but once they're out-of-bounds, they can sure kick some 'bot.

I got two megacycles 'till sunrise, though, and, so far, I'm still laughing.